I wrote this for Propaganda, but they took exception to my opinions on a fair few artists and snipped the funniness out (CENSORSHIP). Here it is in all its unedited glory …
When the New Year comes, February brings around a whole wave of award ceremonies, starting off with the Brits. We know the outcome of some awards, like the Critics Choice and the Outstanding Contribution award (I embarrassed myself greatly when I heard, by doing a little happy dance for Blur) but what about the rest? Here’s a brief run down of who’s up for what, who I want to win and begrudgingly, who I think will actually win.
Best British Male
First up, let me start with: ‘Is this the first year Paul Weller has not been up for this award?!’ Probably not, but in my short time on this planet I’ve seen him nominated for this award more times than not. But aside from that, the nominations are a pretty predictable affair. Overhyped James Blake sits there alongside middle-of-the-road James Morrison and the basically-offensive-to-my-ears Professor Green, but the real winner of this category in my eyes is Noel Gallagher. He’s managed to step well away from Oasis and produce a solo album that is darn good (don’t believe me? Listen to If I Had A Gun). Sadly, the ginger muppet that is Ed Sheeran will waltz away with this one.
Best British Female
If I had any input here, Kate Bush would win, purely because well she’s Kate Bush. Sadly she most likely won’t win, but I’d be equally happy if either Florence or Laura Marling walked away with the prize. Saying that, Queen Adele will probably snag this one, and you have to question the ethics of nominating someone who has succeeded purely because you told everyone to like her last year cough Jessie J cough.
Britsh Breakthrough Act
This is one you can take control in (head over to the Brits website to vote). I’m again questioning the ethics of nominating this years Critics Choice artist (Emeli Sande) and last years, but I’ll stop thinking of possible conspiracies against The Vaccines winning. Anna Calvi is also a curveball to look out for, but again I have the felling that this one is also Ed’s, sadly.
Another one you can decide, and one I most likely lose faith in the British Public for. Frankly, I’m going to go out on a limb and say “Hey, everyone please go vote for Arctic Monkeys, then we might get more guitars and motorbikes and Richard Hawley” but I have a feeling that this one will go to either Elbow or Coldplay (it is in conjunction with Radio 2) but Kasabian is a pretty fair shout, considering the excellence of Velociraptor! I’m also going to completely forget Chase & Status exist, and hope history does the same thing.
Album Of The Year
This one, for a change, is one I couldn’t care less about. It’s basically a popularity competition between critically acclaimed PJ Harvey and the rest of the biggest selling albums of the year: Adele, Florence, Ed Sheeran (again) and Coldplay. If my opinion is worth anything either Adele or Ed Sheeran will win this, with Coldplay being a pretty dark horse.
International Male Solo Artist
This is an interesting one. On the one hand there are incredible artists nominated here like Bon Iver and Ryan Adams. Then there’s David Guetta, just to balance out the talent. Also up here are Aloe Blacc and Bruno Mars, and while I’d love for Ryan Adams to win (Ashes and Fire is a truly incredible album), inevitably Bruno mars will win this. I’m going add that I may well see fit to end my life if Guetta wins, I don’t think I want to live in that world.
International Female Solo Artist
This is another one where it would be incredible if Feist or Bjork won, but its not going to happen. If there’s any justice this will go to Beyonce (I wish I saw her at Glastonbury) but there’s the likelihood that Rihanna’s overt-sexuality will swoop in, and of course there’s Gaga. I’m glad to see that there wasn’t a nomination for a certain artist that shoots cream out of her tits to sell records …
An interesting choice of the Brits to consider putting Lady Antebellum, Maroon 5 and Jay Z/Kanye West in the same category, alongside Fleet Foxes and Foo Fighters. Sadly due to their resurgence this year I think Maroon 5 will have a chance at this one, no matter how much I want Grohl and the boys to win after witnessing them live last year. They’ll be robbed come the ceremony, mark my words.
International Breakthrough Artist
Aloe Blacc can’t really win this as you can probably only name one of his songs, but the same can probably be said for Foster The People. Again Bon Iver is nominated for an award he’ll never win, this one belongs to the ladies. While my inability to stop singing ‘SuperBass’ means I’d love Miss Minaj to win, it surely belongs to Lana del Ray, smashing into the Top 10 like that and causing a lot of fuss. Tut tut LDR, tut tut.
Before we get to the big one, lets think of this oft forgotten award. Basically I have no idea who Flood is (apologies, I don’t often pay attention to producers) but Paul Epworth will most likely get this for the incredible work he did on Ceremonials. Though saying that, I’d rather Ethan Johns got the award, as over the years he has produced some of my favourite albums (Heartbreaker, early Kings Of Leon and Laura Marling). It’s a nice little award for unsung heroes this.
The final award, voted for by the public. With 10 nominees, the panel have tried to get something to appeal to everyone, yet looking at it I resorted to voting for One Direction (what can I say? Guilty pleasure, though there is no such thing). Adele is here, as is Sheeran, Example, Jessie J, JLS, Olly Murs, Pixie Lott, The Wanted and The Military Wives. I’ll not moan if One Direction win or Military Wives win, but if that talentless bimbo whose legs are allergic to fabric wins, I’m ending you all British public.