The Brits 2012

There was controversy, there was outrage and there was downright daylight robbery at this years ceremony. You may have read my predictions earlier this month, but how right was I? I decided to learn the easy way, by getting drunk and live-tweeting the whole thing. Below is a worrying account of the night (quick note, I’ve taken out all of the replies I answered, otherwise you’d be reading this all day). I apologise profusely for the language used, and I annoyed myself greatly by watching all of the coverage, as you soon will learn. And so the journey begins …

I think I’m going to live tweet the Brits tonight and stick it all into a blog tomorrow, because I’m bored basically. And I’m drinking … To start with I’ve just learnt that Pixie Lott like Coldplay. Explains it all really. This is going to be a long night … ITV really is a pile of wank, and The combination of Laura Whitmore and Keith Lemon is just too much

Why am I putting myself through this? (reminds myself Blur will be on later and dashes off to put a pizza in the oven) Oooooh Oooh Oooh Rihanna is a bit of a babe. I really don’t know why I’m watching this. There are very few people I can stand on my telly right now. On the plus side, I love JD and coke. Tinie Tempah’s new album is called Demonstration. Hmmmm

Jessie J really annoys me. Like really annoys me. How much would it be to he rid of her? (Her shoes were quite fit though) Does she ever shut up? Blah Ed Sheeran blah blah Tom Jones blah blah blah. I’m bored. Yes Jack Whitehall! I love that man (why have they moved from him to Louis Spence? Sad times) All this red carpet coverage is making me feel overweight and under-dressed, eurgh. And there’s Kylie …

I don’t think I can put into words my hatred of JLS. Where are all the good people? NOELLY NOELLY NOEL. I love Noel Gallagher. Emeli Sande is a bit pointless isn’t she? I mean if Miles Kane can make one of your songs better you’re up shit creek really …

Oooooh it’s starting. With Coldplay. I’m in my element (and telling massive fibs) I can’t decide what’s making me ill: Coldplay or this pizza (or whiskey). I’m going for Coldplay. Can anyone explain why James Corden exists? I really don’t get it

Yawn, Adele. Urm, the awards are actually quite pretty though. Love a bit of Sir Peter Blake me …

Number #51 in the most influential people in the world is Florence. I missed that memo, along with the one where Ceremonials was good. Oooh a pretty floaty dress is my only thought on Florence, yawning already. If Kate Bush doesn’t win this, I’ll drink my entire bottle of JD. Eeee it’s worth it for Adele’s banter …

Jack Whitehall is a babe. Jessie J is not. I want Ryan Adams to win this. I loved Ashes and Fire. Of my predictions in my last Propaganda piece I’m 2 for 2 #score Oh look it’s Marcus offof X Factor behind Corden. Those trousers are far too tight Olly. Apologies @PaigeTemperley

Critics Choice. Yawn

How can people enjoy this? It’s like torture. People must really hate themselves if they listen to this. Did no one tell Ed Sheeran that green is not a strong look for a ginger #leprechaun

I voted for One Direction for British Single. Not even embarrassed. Luv you 1D. Also love you Tinie. So proud. Such a good song. 3/3 boom.

I fear this is the one I’ll have got wrong. Dammit. Damn you Rihanna, robbing Queen B like that (did say that if B didn’t win Riri would)

Luv you Noel, wish we were bezzie mates. Why did Noel have to let Chris Martian get involved? Disappointed. I’ve already polished off a fair amount of drink. My 10am start at work tomorrow is going to be fun …

I miss you Amy (I like to sing along and pretend I can sing as good as Amy) Love how the Amy tribute was better as they’d had longer to prepare it #harshbuttrue

I’ll cry if Noel doesn’t win. My eyes hurt with all that ginger (don’t get me wrong I love ginger people). And he’s from Halifax. Vom.

Also, The Courier will be all over the fact that Ed won that award.

I was right about Coldplay too. Also, PJ Harvey’s best work was Stories From … not this Let England Shake bollocks.

I’m commentating on the Brits whilst following ball by ball Halifax Town updates. What a #LAD

FOO FIGHTERS! I was *this* close to Dave Grohl once, I love him so much. Rihanna and Klaxons was my favourite collaboration. But look at Fabregas, so fit …

Freddie Cowan I want to marry you and your fabulous hair. If he can look smart now, why couldn’t he put a suit on to perform? Eurgh. Freddie was robbed. And now I have to endure Bruno Mars. Alex Turner, that is a quiff there on Bruno Mars. All I have to say about this.

Gotta say Florence has a spectacular fringe. I love a good fringe me. I love bowties me. Such a One Direction fan girl. If Jessie J got in a car with me, I’d get the driver to crash, all in the name of saving humanity. If I’m reading my Twitter feed properly (and I’m slightly tipsy) then @FCHalifaxTown are being robbed just like Beyonce at the Brits

LANA DEL BORE. LANA DEL TWAT ETC ETC. Like that wasn’t obvious. Nice dress though, I’m guessing Westwood.

Has someone told Rob Brydon that Rihanna has just gone one up on his small man in a box routine? Rihanna is wearing Timberlands. I regularly sell them to chav scratters at work. Nice look love.

BLUR! Anyone who says Blur we’re not the best Brit pop band (after Kenickie) are wrong. If I could be anyone else in life it would be Graham Coxon. I have the same trainers as Graham Coxon. My life is made#loserishtweet 

Coldplay do one. I just want to see Blur all over again. I think it would have been more interesting (and cost effective) had they just let Blur play for 2 hours. I don’t want anyone to win this award. They’re all pants. SHE BEAT YOUR GINGER ASS SHEERAN! Such a bad gracious loser face!

This is my moment. I love Blur. I am bopping around like there’s no tomorrow. It’s moments like this I’m glad I love alone. Love you Blurrrrrr! But but these are all the popular songs. I want proper Blur songs. If they play Country House I’ll smash something. Ahhh Phil Daniels. Tender makes everything better. If I hadn’t been drinking I definitely would not have just said the phrase ‘cheese is overrated’ to @MattTams GRAHAM I LOVE YOU! Do I pour another drink? #dilemma 

It may not have been the best performance, but what do you expect, it’s friggin Blur. This Is A Low is perfect too. I think I’m definitely going to attempt to stalk Graham when he plays Gateshead. There is no better use of my time. Remembering now that I should be writing questions for Joe Strummer’s daughter #fail

Will people stop moaning about Adele being cut off please. It’s not like she’s not received any other awards to give speeches for … Ed Sheeran is really annoying. Like really really annoying. As is James Corden. Why am I watching behind the scenes Brits bollocks? (basically to see if I can spot @TheRealVaccines and perve) Oh and I’m still annoyed that Dave Grohl wasn’t there. I wanted to see him. He’s wonderful.

It’s still annoying watching all these fit people in pretty dresses whilst I’m sat in my jamas. They do have union jacks on though … They’re giving far too much screen time to Jessie J. I want pretty boys to stare at. Also, I got 9 out 10 with my predictions. I’m so proud. It was so predictable.

Who is Mark Wright? (consider the fact that I normally sit and listen to Elvis and knit, or watch repeats on Dave) I really think I would have done a better job presenting the ITV2 coverage of the Brits. I worry for humanity really when I watch this. I’m going to bed before I want to kill myself (should have done this hours ago) Oh man, I missed Iron Man for that. Officially the end of my Brits tweets (it’s not)

Are we over Adele being cut off yet? No? Okay then I’m off to bed #yawn

So, erm yes. For those of you that are concerned, I had a horrid headache all day, I’m never drinking whiskey again. Oh and I honestly am perfectly sane. Oh and if you’re really bothered, with the Best Producer nod I ended up with 9 out of 11, as I was wring to say that Ethan Johns wouldn’t win! All in all though, commercialism won!

 

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